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This page is a transcribed copy of "Awkwardly Ever After." Feel free to edit or add to this page, as long as the information comes directly from the episode. |
(Opens to a police cruiser driving past Northwestside High School in the middle of the night, followed by the shadows of FistPuncher and Footkicker approaching the building. Footkicker and FistPuncher are seen tiptoeing.)
Footkicker: It's really hard to tiptoe with one giant foot.
FistPuncher: (in Footkicker's face) Ssh!
(He and Footkicker kick and punch Northwestside High School. The building collapses.)
FistPuncher: No more tests tomorrow or ever again!
Footkicker: Bye-bye, Northwestside High!
FistPuncher: High five! (He accidentally shoves Footkicker, shocking himself.)
(Cut to the next day. Lauren is seen driving her new sports car around the parking lot of Eastside High School.)
Lauren: New school, new nice me. Bye-bye mean girl.
(FistPuncher and Footkicker appear in the window, startling Lauren and causing her to scream.)
Lauren: Darn it, Lyle!
(FistPuncher and Footkicker enter her car, pushing Lauren aside.)
Lauren: What are you even doing here?!
FistPuncher: Well, me and Foot destroyed the other school and want to enjoy the aftermath.
Footkicker: But just the after, because we hate math.
Lauren: Well, stay away from me! I'm starting over in this school. I'm going to be the nicest girl who ever lived. Now get out of my car, you weasels!
(Cut to Kevin and Fred walking up to Eastside High School.)
Fred: Cramming two high schools' worth of students into one school should be interesting.
(Kevin whimpers.)
Fred: Why are you acting like a nervous Chihuahua?
Kevin: Because Lauren The Destructress is going here now!
Fred: And that's bad why?
Kevin: Well, we sort of flirted at the mall recently, even though I still have a thing for— (loudly) Hiromi!
Fred: (sarcastic) Real subtle dude.
Kevin: I'm so confused.
Hiromi: Hey guys! Have you been partnered up with a student from the other school yet?
Kevin: Not yet! Are you hosting anyone? Inquiring minds want to know. (He pretends to be holding a microphone.) Check one, two, (loudly) is this thing on? (Laughs nervously) Sorry, what were we talking about?
(Hiromi has a confused look on her face. Soon after, Anthony shows up.)
Anthony: Where's my host with the most?
Kevin: Right here, my man! (He and Anthony shake hands.)
Lauren: Kevin! (Lauren waves.)
Kevin: Oh, hey Lauren. (nervous) Hello, hello, is this thing on?
Lauren: OMG, you are so funny! Want to be my host?
Kevin: Oh, sorry, actually I just paired up with Anthony here so...
Lauren: Oh okay. Nice to meet you!
Anthony: (nervous) Actually, we go to the same high school. We also went to the same middle school and kindergarten.
Lauren: Oops, of course sorry. (Glances to the side nervously.)
Hiromi: Hi Lauren! I'm Hiromi. Do you need a host?
Kevin: Wow, I love that you two are meeting, I mean um, and hey, Fred, didn't you say you wanted to host Lauren?
Fred: I did?
Kevin: (cross) Yes, you did!
Lauren: Great!
Fred: (sarcastic) Great. (normal) We should probably go now.
Lauren: Okie-dokie. See you later, Kevin.
Hiromi: Lauren seems cool.
Kevin: Oh, yeah she's fine. She babysits Gretel sometimes. So, (nervous) I-I-I know her as a as a as a person.
Hiromi: Well, (nervous) I should probably go find someone to host. See you later!
Kevin: Bye, have fun (nervous) being a person that I know. (Groans)
Anthony: Why you acting like a nervous Chihuahua?
Kevin: I'm not. Why are you acting like a nervous—
(The bell rings, startling them and causing them to scream.)
Anthony and Kevin: We're late for class!
(Cuts to Lyle and Footkicker from the back of the building.)
Lyle: Alright, time for Operation "Ruin my sister's fake nice reputation at the new school". (He holds up a poster with Lauren smiling, which he turned into an angry face, and put the words "Mean Girl", and "Not Nice.") Check it out! I made posters.
Footkicker: Nice! Speaking of making things, do you like my blowup balloon foot? Because one big foot is suspicious, but two big feet is just a guy with big feet!
Lyle: Yeah! No one will recognize you, or think this is odd in any way. Let's go! (Lyle puts on some fake glasses and a wig, and Footkicker puts on a hat.)
Footkicker: (in a British accent) Oi! Today I'm gonna try me British accent and talk like this.
Lyle: Woah! I didn't know you could speak in another language.
(Cuts to Fred and Lauren attending first period.)
Lauren: Oh, hey Katie.
Katie: Wha—? (Drops her math book off the table.)
Lauren: (picks up math book) Isn't this new school great? Here's your math book.
Katie: (nervous) You can keep it, Lauren. Just please don't hurt me! (Katie covers her head.)
Lauren: (laughs nervously) Weird. I must look like a different Lauren who has a bad reputation. On a side note, is your cousin, Kevin, single?
Fred: Technically.
Lauren: Great! I can tell he really likes nice girls. Could you put in a good word for me?
Fred: I could, but I should tell you that I have an aversion to being a teen rom-com side character who's forced to be the go-between.
Lauren: Does that mean you'll do it?
(Fred scoffs.)
(Cuts to Kevin and Anthony in the hallway.)
Kevin: Any interest in some room temperature locker water?
Anthony: Sounds refreshing, but no thanks! Listen, I need your help. It's about a girl.
Kevin: No prob. I'm gonna need your help after about two girls.(He continues drinking from the water bottle.)
Anthony: Wow! Two! Okay! So I never told you this, but I have a huge crush on Lauren.
(Kevin spits his water on Anthony's face.)
Anthony: Aah!
Kevin: Sorry.
Anthony: What the—?
Kevin: Used locker towel?
Anthony: Ugh, fine. Anyway, she barely knows I exist. I was hoping you could put in a good word for me?
Kevin: (laughs nervously) I guess I could. I mean that wouldn't be weird or confusing at all for me.
Anthony: Thanks man. So, what's the story with the two girls?
Kevin: I was kidding. (nervous) I-I don't have two girls. I don't even have one girl. I'm just Kevin No-Girl Grant-Gomez.
Lauren: Hey Kevin.
(Kevin whimpers)
Anthony: Hey Lauren. How you liking the new school?
Lauren: Yeah it's— it's great. Kevin, what are you doing after?
Hiromi: Hi guys!
(Kevin shrieks, then whimpers again)
Lauren: Have you found a student to host?
Hiromi: Two, actually. This is Fitzpatrick and Nigel.
("Fitzpatrick" and "Nigel" are revealed to be Lyle and Footkicker in disguise.)
"Nigel": 'ello, I'm Bri'ish.
"Fitzpatrick": And I am... Fitzpatrick. (Looks accusingly at Lauren.) Hey, aren't you that super mean girl on all the posters?
(Camera shows one of the posters in question.)
Lauren: That's not me. I don't have a mustache. And who are you guys anyway? You look familiar.
"Fitzpatrick": That's because we, uh... went to the same school.
"Nigel": Where you were really mean!
Lauren: (upset) I've never been mean in my whole entire life! (normal) I mean, let's go to science, Fred!
(Kevin and Anthony follow Lauren and Fred. "Fitzpatrick" and "Nigel" want to follow them too, but get stopped by Hiromi.)
Hiromi: Guys, we're going this way. (thumbs to the opposite direction)
"Fitzpatrick": But I wanna tell more people that that girl's mean!
Hiromi: After history class. Come on.
("Fitzpatrick" and "Nigel" groan as they follow Hiromi.)
(Cuts to science class. As Lauren works with Fred, she glances towards another table next to hers, where she sees another student from her school. She tries to compliment him.)
Lauren: Hey, Ryan. Nice bicarbonate foam.
Ryan: (panicked) You can have it, Lauren!
(Ryan screams as he escapes through a window behind him.)
Lauren: (stammers) Uh... Talk to you later.
(She looks at Kevin at his an Anthony's table, and flirtingly waves to him.)
Anthony: (to Kevin) She's looking over here. Do you think she's flirting with me?
Kevin: It's... possible.
Anthony: Maybe now is a good time to put in that good word for me?
Kevin: How about I just go distract Fred and you go talk to her yourself?
(Kevin and Anthony approach Fred and Lauren.)
Kevin: Fred. Hey, can I talk to you for a second over by the periodic table? Be right back.
(All the while, Lauren is staring lovingly at Kevin, not paying attention to Anthony at all.)
Anthony: (to Lauren) Hey, isn't science great? I'm a total geek for it. In Science Club, they call me Test Tube Tony.
Lauren: What? Oh, it's 11:45.
(Cuts to Kevin and Fred over at the corner with the periodic table.):
Kevin: Okay, I'm in the middle of a freak crush storm and I don't know what to do! So I'll dump it on you, so you can help me.
Fred: Please don't. You know about my aversion to—
Kevin: Being a teen rom-com side character go-between, yeah, but I'm desperate here! (holds begging position as his eyes dilate) Please?
Fred: ...Fine. Dump.
Kevin: As you know, Lauren has a crush on me, but Anthony has a crush on her. And he wants me to put in a good word, but I have a mini-crush on Lauren, even though I'm not even slightly over Hiromi! (sighs)
Fred: Look, just do the right thing: Accept that you're not over Hiromi, drop your mini-crush on Lauren, and never put me in the middle again.
Kevin: Of course! Do the right thing! I'll take your advice and do everything I can to get Lauren to like Anthony instead of me. Thanks, Fred. This is gonna be easy!
(Kevin looks over at Anthony and Lauren. Anthony is still trying to grab her attention...)
Anthony: I've thought about becoming a professional scientist.
(...but Lauren is still paying more attention to Kevin instead, as she waves and looks lovingly at him.)
Kevin: ...Or not.
(Song: I'm a Bad Wingman)
♪ Why does everything I say ♪
♪ Make her look at me this way ♪
♪ When everything I do ♪
♪ Is trying to make her fall for you ♪
♪ How come I just keep winning when ♪
♪ I try so hard to lose ♪
♪ I'm a bad wingman (whoa-oh) ♪
♪ I'm trying to make you shine ♪
♪ But she's always focused on me, man (whoa-oh) ♪
♪ I've never had this problem before ♪
♪ I swear that it's not a thing, man ♪
♪ It's a mystery ♪
♪ A conundrum ♪
♪ Like I'm made of honey ♪
♪ And she wants some (yeah) ♪
♪ I try to put the spotlight on you ♪
♪ But I'm a bad wingman ♪
(Cuts to lunchtime at the cafeteria.)
Fred: So, how's doing the right thing going?
Kevin: It's still a work in progress.
(Kevin glances over to Lauren and Anthony. Lauren still immediately notices Kevin instead of Anthony and waves to him.)
Anthony: You collect comic books? I collect comic books!
(Suddenly, the cafeteria doors swing open as "Fitzpatrick" and "Nigel" enter.)
"Fitzpatrick": All right! Lunchtime!
"Nigel": (chuckles) Bobble me bobbins. This is a right nice munchie nook.
(A visibly tired Hiromi trudges behind them.)
Hiromi: Please try not to break anything this time.
(As "Fitzpatrick" grabs a chair someone is already sitting on, he and "Nigel" join Lauren, Kevin, Anthony and Fred's table.)
"Fitzpatrick": Hey, mean girl, how's it going for you at the new school?
Lauren: It's great, because I am not the mean girl you keep saying I am!
"Fitzpatrick": (takes a fry from Anthony's plate) So you're not the Lauren who gave wedgies to the entire basketball team?
("Nigel" drinks from Anthony's milk carton as "Fitzpatrick" speaks.)
Lauren: (upset) It was just the starters! (embarrassed)I mean, no, I am not that Lauren.
(Anthony holds his hand in front of his plate as "Fitzpatrick" tries to take another fry.)
Anthony: I think you guys should leave.
"Fitzpatrick": We're not going anywhere. (pulls out megaphone and speaks through it) Not until everyone knows the truth about the meanest girl in school!
Lauren: For the last time, I am not mean! I am nice! (takes "Fitzpatrick's" megaphone, and speaks through it) Believe it or not, people change.
(Despite Lauren's efforts, the students around her decide to leave. "Fitzpatrick" and "Nigel" laugh at this development. Dejected, Lauren returns to her seat.)
Lauren: (sighs) I'm really sorry for yelling like that, but I just... needed to be heard.
("Fitzpatrick" and "Nigel" continue laughing". This makes Anthony visibly upset, as he stands up for Lauren.)
Anthony: I heard you, Lauren. Even though you haven't noticed me since kindergarten, which is totally cool, I could tell you were a kind person underneath all the mean stuff you were doing.
Lauren: Thanks, Anthony. I really needed to hear that right now. (she and Anthony smile)
"Fitzpatrick": This is making me wanna PUUKE!
("Fitzpatrick" and "Nigel" climb onto a table, and shed their disguises, revealing to the students their true identities as FistPuncher and Footkicker.)
FistPuncher and Footkicker: It's fist-foot time!
(As Footkicker takes off his decoy shoe balloon, more students leave the cafeteria.)
Lauren: O-M-G! I should have known!
(FistPuncher and Footkicker immediately start wrecking the place, breaking tables and throwing chairs into the windows. As students start screaming, Hiromi looks onto the mess.)
Hiromi: ...And that concludes my hosting duties for the day. I'm outta here. (she leaves the cafeteria too)
(FistPuncher pushes several tables and chairs towards Lauren, trapping her and Kevin behind it. Fred hides behind another table to call for help...)
(Cuts to Eastside Elementary School, in Ms. Jamanpour's class, as Gretel, Bailey and other students are taking a math quiz. Suddenly, Gretel's phone goes buzzing, as Ms. Jamanpour eyes suspiciously at Gretel; Gretel smiles back in response. Gretel's bag unzips as Hamster pops out to talk to Gretel.)
Hamster: (hushed) Psst. It's Fred. Trouble at the high school.
Gretel: (raises hand) Ms. Jamanpour, I've got to go... to the bathroom.
(Cuts back to the cafeteria at Eastside High, under the tables Kevin and Lauren are trapped behind)
Kevin: Great, now we're trapped.
Lauren: I can get us out of here, but I have to tell you something first.
(Lauren twirls around to transform into the outfit of her former super villain self, The Destructress.)
Destructress: I used to be a super villain, and I did do a lot of mean things. Now you know my secret.
Kevin: Wow. That is a... surprise and a half. But, uh, honestly, it's okay with me.
Destructress: Really?
Kevin: Look how hard you're working to be good. That's because you are good.
Destructress: Oh! Thank you, Kevin. That means so much. Hey, um, maybe later we can go out, on a date?
Kevin: Actually, I still have feelings for someone, so I'm not really... available.
Destructress: Oh! That's... disappointing. But I understand. I have a lot to figure out about my new self anyway.
Kevin: Now go get 'em, nice girl.
(The Destructress yells as she smashes the tables out of her way, freeing her and Kevin. Footkicker is seen kicking plates with food on them at Anthony and Fred, who do their best dodging his attacks. FistPuncher is shown, carrying another plate with food, preparing to grab the stuff and pelt them with it, only surprised to see his sister ready to attack back. The Destructress grabs and flings a table to him, which FistPuncher destroys with a punch, only to then be hit in the face by a flung serving tray. The Destructress ducks to narrowly dodge another tray with food, courtesy of Footkicker, who continues kicking plates while standing on a table.)
Footkicker: (leaps to another table) Tally-ho!
(Footkicker kicks more plates with food at Lauren, as she leaps behind a food counter to hide. Fred and Anthony hide behind a toppled table with Kevin. The Destructress fights back against FistPuncher and Footkicker as she grabs a deep-dish food tray behind the counter and pelts food to FistPuncher. FistPuncher flings serving trays toward her, as she protects herself with the deep-dish tray and takes cover behind the same table as Kevin, Fred and Anthony. At that moment, Hamster and Gretel arrive in their superhero forms.
Gretel: Okay, everybody, stop the food fight.
(Hamster and Gretel are pelted with food, as they drop down on the floor in frot of the table cover, smeared with food.)
Gretel: Oh, it is on!
(Hamster and Gretel leap behind the table and join Kevin, Anthony, Fred and The Destructress. Footkicker rolls a toppled table towards another table for protection, kicking the serving tray with food towards them, as FistPuncher squirts bottles of ketchup and mustard. As the food fight continues, Hamster flies behind his allies to grab another bottle of ketchup, which he inflates by blowing into the nozzle. He stands on the table with the inflated ketchup bottle as he yells, before throwing the bottle towards FistPuncher and Footkicker, as the bottle promptly explodes, defeating the fist-foot duo and covering them in ketchup. The toppled Footkicker looks onto his body to see himself covered ketchup and sausages, which he misinterprets as his own intestines and yells in shock before fainting. Hamster is seen eating one of the sausages.)
Hamster: Mmm. Must not like sausages.
(FistPuncher groans as he tries to get up, but The Destructress pins him down with a soda dispenser.)
Destructress: Okay, Lyle, repeat after me: "Lauren is good now."
FistPuncher: (groaning) "Lauren is good now..."
Destructress: "I accept my wonderful sister for who she is, and will—"
FistPuncher: I can't remember that many words!
Gretel: (as she carries a sausage-bound Footkicker) Thanks for your help, Destructress. We'll take these jerks to jail now.
Destructress: Awesome. They're all yours. Bye!
(The Destructress flies away, while Hamster and Gretel take FistPuncher and Footkicker to prison.)
Footkicker: Cheerio, guv'ners! Pip-pip!
Hamster: That's the worst English accent I've ever heard.
(Anthonky, Kevin and Fred look on, as they're greeted by Lauren, back as her civilian self.)
Lauren: Thanks again for standing up for me, Anthony. You're a great guy.
(The school bell rings.)
Lauren: Gotta go to French. See you around. (leaves)
Anthony: Au revoir.
Kevin: Hey, sorry it didn't work out with Lauren.
Anthony: Are you kidding me? She knows my name, dude! And with my charm and joie de vivre, it's just a matter of time. (chases after Lauren)
Kevin: And they all lived awkwardly ever after. (to Fred) Oh hey, can you let Hiromi know that I'd love to—
Fred: (through megaphone) Nope.
Kevin: Point taken.
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