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This page is a transcribed copy of "Hakuna Ma Kevin." Feel free to edit or add to this page, as long as the information comes directly from the episode. |
(Open to the Grant-Gomez residence. The camera pans over the awning, which is decorated with orange and yellow balloons and a banner that reads, "Welcome home, Kevin!" The camera then pans to Gretel, with Bailey and Fred on either side of her.)
Gretel: I can't wait to see Kevin! I know it's only been two weeks, but it feels like it's been forever.
Bailey: (stands up) What type of camp did he go to again?
Gretel: It was just like a retreat where people go to de-stress.
Fred: Well, he definitely needed it―what with his disastrous date with Hiromi...
Bailey: ...Exclamation's big elbow suit monster...
Fred: ...the much greater evil coming to destroy us all...
Gretel: Yeah, it all kind of did a number on him.
(Cut to a brief montage of Kevin screaming in various locations around the house, with Dave and Carolina taking notice.)
Gretel: Anyway, I bet he'll be more laser-focused than ever! You know, back to being our Kevin.
(A bus arrives. The camera shows Kevin's feet as he exits the bus. The camera then pans up Kevin's body, revealing that he has adopted a guru-like outfit. Kevin is accompanied by a sitar playing for much of the episode.)
Gretel: Uh... (lets go of the balloon she's been holding)
Kevin: Ah, my nears and dears. (aproaches the girls) Reunion circle? (Everyone holds hands as they form a circle. Kevin takes part in a few deep breaths.)
Fred: Where are your regular clothes
Kevin: They're in a suitcase on the... (cut to a brief shot of the bus headed down the street) bus. Oh, well. Clothes are just the woven shackles of society.
Gretel: All right, who are you and what have you done with Kevin?!
Kevin: I'm a changed man. I went on a magical journey.
(Song: Don't Sweat It)
♪ When your whole world is falling apart ♪
♪ When your phone won't charge, and your car won't start ♪
♪ You can let it pile up and get you down ♪
♪ Or you can listen to us, we'll turn it around ♪
♪ You've got so many things you're going through ♪
♪ Take it from us ♪
♪ We've been there, too ♪
♪ You're distressed in a ball, it's a mess after all ♪
♪ You could use a break ♪
♪ Here's the best advice you can take ♪
♪ Don't sweat it ♪
♪ Don't sweat the small stuff ♪
♪ Just forget it ♪
♪ Don't you know it's all stuff ♪
♪ You don't have to worry about? ♪
♪ Get out of your head ♪
♪ Yeah, we'll teach you how to ♪
♪ Don't sweat it ♪
♪ Don't sweat the small stuff ♪
♪ Now you get it ♪
♪ Nothing's big enough for you to have to worry ♪
♪ And we already said it ♪
♪ So, don't sweat it ♪
Kevin: All that planning and overthinking was driving me nuts. I'm totally chill now. No girlfriend, no powers, no problem.
Gretel: But what about the much greater evil that's coming? Those were the aliens' exact words!
Kevin: Meh, the universe has a way of sorting things out.
Gretel: No, Kevin,
this might be the big one! Worse than everything so far.
Kevin: Don't sweat it, Gretel. Oh, speaking of sweats, you should all join me at the beach yoga class today. It will really center you guys.
Bailey: I'm good, thanks.
Fred: I'm not taking life advice from a man wearing a macaroni necklace.
Kevin: It's rigatoni.
(Cut to the beach. Kevin smells a flower.)
Kevin: (sighs) Hello, little flower. You know how to enjoy life, don't you?
Gretel: So, Kevin, I'm really happy that you're way less stressed now and that you've discovered flowy cotton separates, but shouldn't we be―
Kevin: Gretel, Gretel, Gretel. Take in the scenery and enjoy the beckoning horizon. There's no need to worry.
Gretel: I'm not the one who worries; I'm not good at it! Worrying is your thing! (Kevin tosses her a coin) And someone at some point will need to worry.
Kevin: Not today. It's a perfect worry-free day. I'm gonna go and get us some chamomile flan before yoga starts.
(A segull steals Kevin's phone and flies off with it.)
Kevin: (sighs) I was looking to unplug anyway. Enjoy the family bundle, Mr. Seagull!
(An ominous music sting plays as Kevin walks away.)
Hamster: Are you freaking out? Because I'm kind of freaking out.
(Cut to a wide shot of the pier as the camera pans to a nearby cruise ship.)
Veronica Hill: Breaking news. I'm still single, and so are all these other desperate, desperate people here at the largest singles event in the Tri-State Area. I'll be joining the cruise today in a professional and personal capacity. (giggles as she presents her boarding pass to the captain) One, please.
Captain: This is gonna be your year!
(Veronica smiles to the camera as she boards the ship. Two more passengers board the ship ahead of a masked man.)
Man: Foolish singles looking for love. Not on my watch. (pulls a device out of his bag) Time to make this boat go ca-clamo! You know, like ka-blamo but with clams. (sinister laugh) Who am I talking to? I crack myself up.
(The scene crops to the point of view of someone looking through binoculars. A reverse shot reveals that Gretel was the one looking through binoculars)
Gretel: Hmm. Hamster, I hate to make assumptions, but that large shouldered guy just pulled out an evil-looking device. Should we go check it out?
Hamster: Probably. (eats flan)
(Cut to Kevin's yoga class.)
Yoga Master: As you breathe in the downward dog position, consider what kind of dog you are.
(Gretel approaches Kevin.)
Gretel: Kevin, there's a really weird guy on the boat, and you―
Yoga Class: Ssh!
Kevin: Gretel, I am trying to find my inner basset hound. Let me mellow.
Gretel: But-but I'm worried that―
Kevin: (stands up) Don't be worried, just be calmmmmmm...
Yoga Clas: Ommmmm...
Gretel: Ugh! Fine. Let's go, Hamster!
Hamster: Your form is terrible.
(Cut back to the cruise ship. Veronica Hill is talking to a man in a green hat. The banner at the bottom read, "Veronica Hill searches for love.")
Veronica Hill: And that's how I got into reporting.
Veronica's Date: That's nice. I sell loose piano keys for a living. (the banner changes to "It just got weird") I mean, it's not a very lucrative profession, (the banner changes to "Not going well") but I really enjoy it. (Veronica leaves; the banner changes to "Man strikes out big time") Hey-hey, do you need an F sharp―(notices Veronica has left) Oh, not again! I should have been a famous astronaut like my brother.(Whip-pan to the man's brother, an astronaut, talking to Emily)
Astronaut: Do you want a moon rock?
Emily: Maybe... (walks her fingers up the astronaut's arm)
(Cut to Hamster and Gretel hiding under the table. Hamster is eating hors d'oeuvres.)
Gretel: I don't see him anywhere, Hamster. Maybe Kevin is right. Maybe we should just go with the fl―
(Everyone screams as the boat suddenly starts speeding through the bay. Gretel hangs onto the table as she transforms into her superhero form. Inga slides through the room on a chair, bumping into Veronica's date.)
Veronica's Date: Come here often?
Gretel: Come on, Hamster!
(Hamster and Gretel race through a door. Seconds later, Hamster returns and eats the rest of the hors d'oeuvres.)
(Cut to an exterior shot of the ship. Hamster and Gretel breakinto the captains' quarters.)
Gretel: Hey, let go of that wheel!
(The masked man from earlier stands next to the captain, who he has tied up and gagged.)
Man: Hamster and Gretel?!
Captain: Mamster and Mretel?
Gretel: Slow this boat down right now!
Man: What's that you say? Go even faster? (laughs as he increases the ship's speed, causing the captain to roll behind a door)
Hamster: Who are you?
Man: The name's Clem.
(Clem removes his hoodie, revealing that he has a clam for a head.)
Clem: Clem Clam.
Gretel: So what we thought were broad shoulders was just your clam head stuffed into a jacket, and what we thought was your head I was just a mannequin head stuck on top of your clam head?
Clem: Yes.
(Gretel pinches the bridge of her nose.)
Hamster: Weirdest catfishing ever.
Gretel: Okay, so why are you doing whatever it is you're doing?
Clem: Let me explain.
Hamster: Yeah, I think we're going to need to sit down for this one.
(Hamster and Gretel grab some stools and sit on them.)
Clem: I wasn't always a man with a clam for a head, I was a man with a head for a head. One day, I went to a singles
event at a clam bake. I was hoping to meet the love of my life over some baked bivalves, as you do.
Proposing Man: I know we just met―
Woman: Yes!
Clem: But I didn't match with anyone. Sad, hungry and still single, I sat under a pier feeling sorry for myself, unaware that right above me, a guy was dumping a vat of clam chowder.
Dumper: I ordered clam powder, not clam chowder!
Clam: At the same time, some other guy was pouring out of a vat of toxic waste!
Dumper 2: I ordered toxic paste, not toxic waste!
Clem: It all mixed together, turning me into the creature that stands before you, and then no one wanted to date me.
Gretel: So your solution is to sail too fast?
Hamster: (looks up from his phone) Yeah, I don't follow.
Clem: You fools! I've set up a toxic clam chowder device which is linked to the boat's GPS. When we reach international waters, it'll go off turning all these singles into freaks like me, drastically increasing my dating pool. And I'll get away with it, too because there are no laws on international waters, baby! As far as I understand it, anyway.
(Hamster and Gretel throw their stools to the side.)
Gretel: Not on our watch! CLAM DUDE PUNCH!
(Gretel races towards Clem, but she injures her fist upon impact with Clem's clam head.)
Gretel: Ow!
Clem: How's about some pearls?
(Clem shoots perarls at Hamster and Gretel. Gretel flies away while Hamster barely misses getting hit by the pearls, some of which fly through windows.)
Hamster: I don't have the heart to tell him that pearls come from oysters!
(Cut to Veronica Hill running upside-down.)
Veronica Hill: This is Veronica Hill reporting from yet another date that has gone horribly awry.
(The camera zooms out, revealing that Kevin is watching the news report while doing a handstand.)
Veronica Hill: It seems a half man, half clam creature has hijacked the boat. (Kevin approaches the TV) Looks like he's heading to international waters where there are no laws, baby! That's my understanding of it, anyways.
Kevin: (sighs) I'm sure Gretel can handle it.
Veronica Hill: Can you handle it?
Gretel: Well, I'm really trying, but this guy keeps shooting pearls and my super punches aren't working.
(Gretel is knocked offscreen by some pearls.)
Kevin: Well, at least she has Hamster.
Veronica Hill: Breaking news, the clammy creature has trapped superhero Hamster inside of its mouth.
(Clem snaps his mouth shut with Hamster inside.)
Kevin: (nervously) Oh, no. I wonder how this works into the universe's plan.
Veronica Hill (off-camera): The universe must have it out for Gretel. It does not look like she will win this one. If only she had someone who cared enough to worry about her.
(Kevin's eye twitches as he gradually loses composure. His hair then pops into its default shape.)
Kevin: GRETEL!!!
Yoga Master: Breathe into this perfect worry-free―
(Kevin screams as he runs across the beach, knocking over the yoga master. Kevin grabs a man's binoculars and looks through them to see Gretel still being attacked with Clem's pearls. He spots some paddle boats and takes one out to the ocean. Unfortunately, he is nowhere near fast enough to catch up with the ship. He then spots a man on a jet ski and hops onto it.)
Jet Ski Driver: Whoa! Who are you?
Kevin: Just go, go, go!
(The jet ski makes a sharp turn, sending Kevin flying onto an "eat bananas" banner being pulled by a woman in her speedboat)
Woman: Who are you?
Kevin: Just keep going!
(Kevin flies off thanks to a conveniently placed ramp. He grabs onto a pelican's legs. The pelican squawks.)
Pelican (from closed captions): Who are you?
Kevin: Just keep going.
(The pelican flies towards the ship.)
(Cut back to the fight. Clem is thrown against the wall by an offscreen Gretel. Gretel attempts to take control of the ship, but Clem pushes her out of the way. Gretel flies back towards Clem and they trade punches and kicks. Gretel then spots a bouy with a sign indicating the boundary of "international waters." Grtetel gasps, giving Clem the opportunity to shove Gretel off with his elbow.)
Gretel: You'll never get away with this. (attempts to open Clem's mouth) Let Hamster go!
(Clem further increases the speed of the ship. Gretel flies back into a wall. Suddenly, a shadow looms over her.)
Gretel: (gasps) Kevin!
(Kevin falls over due to the ship's speed. Gretel follows him.)
Kevin: What's going on?
Gretel: Bad clam, trapped Hamster inside. Need to disable device before international waters before chowder explosion.
Kevin: Okay, I'll take care of the device and Hamster, you go slow down the boat.
(Gretel flies under the ocean's surface and removes the engine. Cut to Kevin in the captain's quarters. He removes the device from the ship's controls.)
Kevin: Yoink!
(Clem chases Kevin.)
Kevin: You want it back? You'll have to catch me!
(The ship stops just before reaching international waters. Gretel rises to the surface. Cut to Kevin running downstairs into the ship's spa, with Clem running after him. Kevin suddenly trips and throws the device into a sauna. Clem goes in and Kevin shuts the door behind him before cranking up the temperature.)
Clem: (muffled) Let me out of here!
Gretel: What's going on? Where's Hamster?
Kevin: Wait for it.
Gretel: Wait for what?
(The sauna fills with steam.)
Kevin: Didn't you know steam makes clams open up?
(Clem's mouth opens, revealing Hamster playing on his phone while surrounded by pearls.)
Gretel: Oh, Hamster, you're okay! Hamster?
Hamster: Give me a second. I'm trying to beat my high score.
(Cut to the ship having returned to the dock at sunset.)
Veronica's Date: Wow, We really went through something together today. (removes his hat) Will you marry me?
Inga: Yeah. Okay. (carries Veronica's date down the dock)
Veronica Hill: Darn it! (turns around)The one that got away, in addition to the many others that got away. But there is one who didn't get away today.
(Cut to clem being placed in a police car.)
Clem: You can't arrest me! I was on international waters.
Cop: Sorry, pal. You were three nautical millimeters short―at least that's my understanding of it, anyways.
(Cut to Kevin and Gretel.)
Gretel: Hey, Kev. I'm sorry I took you out of your chilled out vibe, but―
Kevin: It's okay, L'il G. Don't sweat it.
Gretel: But I want to sweat it. You don't have to do the worrying all on your own. I can worry a little for you and you can hero a little for me. We'll split it.
Kevin: Deal. That way, I could be a little bit more laid back and―(notices the bird that took his phone) MY PHONE! No! Drop it! Drop it! No, no, no! (chases the bird) Don't drop it! Land! Land!
Hamster: And he's back.
(Gretel smiles as Kevin screams in the distance, ending the episode.)
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