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This page is a transcribed copy of "Hamnesia." Feel free to edit or add to this page, as long as the information comes directly from the episode. |
(Open to the city being attacked as cars are flunk and people flee from the destruction. The villain, Record Scratch, approaches on a large flying sound system. She knocks over multiple parked cars and flies over a truck that stops in the middle of an intersection.)
Record Scratch: I am Record Scratch and now, the whole world will bow before my sick DJ skills!
Gretel (off-camera): Hey, Record Scratch!
(Cut to Hamster and Gretel arriving to save the day.)
Gretel: You're gonna love the acoustics... in jail!
Record Scratch: Oh yeah? Try to put this in jail!
(Record Scratch spins her records, giving her sound system more stereos. She then plays a beat with enough force to knock Hamster and Gretel backwards. The heroes grab onto a streetlight to maintain stability. The sound system forces debris and vehicles in their direction. The truck comes loose from the ground and flies towards them.)
Hamster: Gretel, look out!
(Hamster pushes Gretel out of the way, who then flies upwards as Hamster is hit by the truck. Gretel then flies towards Record Scratch.)
Gretel: DJ PUNCH!
(Gretel's punch causes a large cloud of smoke in the form of a mushroom cloud to appear in the middle of the city. Cut to Record Scratch crushed under the weight of the now destroyed sound system.)
Record Scratch: Ugh... beat... dropped.
Gretel: Yeah! (Kevin approaches her) Great assist, Hamster. Hamster? (flies upwards) Hamster! Kevin, where's Hamster?
Kevin: He must be around here somewhere.
(Kevin and Gretel begin looking for Hamster)
Gretel: Hamster! (appraches a hole in a building) Hamster? (whip-pan to Gretel lifting up a pick-up truck, unveiling an angry cat) Hamster? (whip-pan to Gretel sticking her head in a Bull Boy Fragrance ad at a bus stop) Hamster!
He's not anywhere! Maybe something happened to him.
Kevin: What could happen to him? He has superpowers. (enters the minivan) He was probably hungry and went home to eat some carrots.
Gretel: Cabbage! Cabbage is his favorite!
Kevin: I don't know. He's your hamster.
Gretel: That's a terrible thing to say! He's our hamster! (flies off)
Kevin: I just meant that you feed him! (to himself) I don't feed him because he's not my hamster.
(Cut to Gretel flying through the city)
Gretel: Hamster, where are you?!
(Fade to black. Cut to Hamster's point of view as he wakes up in front of a young boy named Billy. Hamster rubs his eyes.)
Billy: Boy, am I glad you finally woke up. You've been out for hours. What were you doing all alone in the street like that?
(Zoom in on Hamster's eyes to a cloudy screen.)
Gretel (off-camera): Hamster, where are you?!
(A truck flies towards the screen. Cut to Hamster shaking his head.)
Billy: What's the matter, you don't remember? Oh, you must have amnesia. I'm Billy and I'm gonna call you Peanut because you're small, light brown, and you have fur, just like a peanut. Except for the fur. (giggles) Yeah.
(Cut to the Grant-Gomez residence as Kevin watches a concerned Gretel talking on the phone)
Gretel: He's small, light brown, has fur... No, peanuts don't have fur. His height? Five, five and a half―No, inches. (the other person hangs up) Hello? Hello? They hung up.
(A missing Hamster poster variant of the Batman-inspired transition sequence takes us to Billy carrying "Peanut" in his backpack)
Billy: Oh Peanut, my whole life has changed since I met you. Nobody's ever understood me the way that you do. I don't care if the other kids laugh at me or throw dirt at me or put mayonaise in my pants because now, I have my Hamster best pal.
(Song: A Hamster and His Boy)
♪ It's a beautiful day, I've never seen ♪
♪ The sky so blue, or the grass so green ♪
♪ 'Cuz it's true ♪
♪ I've found a friend in you ♪
♪ We're simpatico, I think we both agree ♪
♪ That it'll stay this way, 'cuz you'll never be ♪
♪ Misconstrued ♪
♪ I've found a friend in you ♪
♪ We're inseparable, each other's company ♪
♪ We mutually enjoy ♪
♪ Just a boy, and his hamster ♪
♪ A hamster and his boy ♪
♪ A hamster and his boy! ♪
(Cut to Kevin and Gretel approaching an old woman sitting on a park bench, Kevin with a picture of Hamster on his phone and Gretel with a missing poster of Hamster)
Kevin: Have you seen this rodent?
(The woman shakes her head. Kevin and Gretel approach a woman walking her dog.)
Kevin: Excuse me, have you seen this rodent?
(The woman and her dog shake their heads. Kevin and Gretel approach Andrew and Clyde)
Kevin: Have you seen this hamster?
Clyde: Have you checked Van Riff Winkle's? He plays piano there a couple times a week.
Gretel: He plays piano?
Andrew: Must have that disease that makes hamsters play piano.
Clyde: There is no such disease, Andrew!
(Kevin and Gretel walk away)
Kevin: Well, looks like we don't know Hamster as well as we thought.
(Unbeknownst to them, "Peanut" and Billy are walking through the park at this exact moment.)
Billy: And in this pouch, I have bandages, medical tape, and antiseptic. I get hurt a lot.
("Peanut" stops at the sight of Oakey.)
Gretel (off-camera): The queens of the tree!
Billy: I don't like this tree. All the kids dared me to climb it and when I was afraid, they threw their lunches at me. I smelled like burritos for a week. (begins to walk away, but "Peanut" stops him and points to Oakey) Oh, I don't know. I'm afraid, Peanut. ("Peanut" blinks) You're right. Let's do it!
(Cut to "Peanut" and Billy climbing Oakey.) Ha-ha! We did it! Oh, Peanut, you made me feel like I can do anything! Oh, wait. (pulls his phone out) Selfie! (takes a selfie, only to fall off the tree; Hamster catches him by the ankle) Oh, Peanut, you saved me... and you can fly! Wow! I'll never be afraid of anything again, I swear! Except for snakes, and the dark, and potatoes, okay? They have eyes; it's creepy! (sighs) I still have a few things to work through.
(Cut to Riff Van Winkle's. A man is seen playing a piano. Kevin and Gretel enter the establishment. The camera pans over shots of the lounge tables and portraits of jazz singers hanging on the wall.)
Man: Can I help you?
Gretel: Excuse me, but we're looking for our friend. He's about this big, doesn't talk much... oh, and he's a hamster.
Man: You know Hamster?! I haven't seen him for days. I had to give half our customers their money back when he didn't show last night.
Kevin: What, does he run in a little wheel that powers the piano?
Man: (grabs Kevin by the shirt) Hey, don't you badmouth Hamster! He was really there for me when my mom was sick.
Kevin: Sorry, I-I'm, uh... just so upset that I can only deal with it with inappropriate humor.
Man: (releases Kevin) Yeah, I know how that is. When my grampa died, I made fart jokes for six weeks.
Gretel: (grabs Kevin's hand) Okay... well, thanks for your help. (opens the door)
Kevin: Gretel, look. (cut to a painting of the Grant-Gomezes) It's us!
Gretel: It's signed "Hamster." (reading the plaque under the painting) "Gallery Aubergine, Sixth Street."
(Cut to the Gallery Aubergine. Soft piano music plays as the camera slowly zooms out on a painting of Hamster with "Hamster is art. Art is life." written next to it. Kevin and Gretel walk near the painting.)
Kevin: When did he have time to paint all of these?
Gretel: Well, hamsters are nocturnal.
Curator: I am afraid that these will be out of your price range; Monsieur Hamster is very in demand.
Gretel: Actually, we're friends with Monsieur Hamster.
Curator: Friends of his? Oh, why didn't you say so. He hasn't been here for days, but feel free to look around.
(Cut to Kevin on the verge of tears. Gretel walks towards him admiring all of the paintins)
Gretel: Wow, he's pretty good!
(Cut to a reverse shot, revealing a sad abstract painting of Kevin)
Kevin: (tearfully) He knows... my pain.
Curator: You know, Monsieur Hamster might be at one of his two favorite hangouts: the old oak tree in the park or Easter Island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.
Gretel: I'll take Easter Island! (rushes off)
Kevin: And, uh, I'll take the park. (looks at the painting again) He sees me! (cries)
(An abstract Kevin painting variant of the Batman-inspired transition sequence takes us to Kevin walking through the park)
Kevin: Hamster? Hamster? Are you around here, little buddy?
(Kevin steps on a twig, leading him to notice two sets of footprints―one of which being distinctly hamster-sized. Cut to elsewhere in the park where "Peanut" and Billy are walking together. Billy sadly kicks a rather dirty baseball.)
Billy: The other kids won't let me play here 'cause I throw so badly. ("Peanut" picks the baseball up and raises it over his head.) You mean I'm not very good, but with your help, I can be? ("Peanut" tosses the ball to Billy, who catches it. They step apart a bit and Billy tosses the ball back to "Peanut." This process repeats several times.) Look, I'm throwing the ball! ("Peanut" throws the ball past Billy and it rolls under the gate of a large fence.) Aw, who am I kidding? I'm just a dork and mustard sandwhich just like the school counselor said. Let's just go home, Peanut. (notices "Peanut" is gone) Peanut? ("Peanut" runs towards the fence. The camera zooms in on the notice warning that the fence is electric.) Aah! No! Peanut, don't do it! No! It's dangerous! (Billy watches in horror as "Peanut" absorbs the electricity from the fence's current. "Peanut" raises the gate as the electric current breaks the warning lights and causes the warning label to fly off. A large cloud of smoke appears.) Peanut? (Cut to "Peanut" having rescued the ball. Billy runs towards him.) Peanut, are you okay? (hugs "Penaut") Oh, I don't know what I would do if something happend to my little hamster!
(Kevin appears nearby)
Kevin: He's not your hamster, he's-he's my hamster. Hamster, it's me, Kevin! (the camera zooms in on a wide-eyed "Peanut") Hamster, don't you remember me? And Gretel?
("Peanut" blinks)
Billy: (giggles) No, you must have the wrong hamster. Come here, Peanut. (pulls a carrot out from behind his back) Let's have some carrots.
Kevin: Ha! Hamster's favorite food isn't carrots, it's cabbage.
(The camera zooms in on Hamster's left eye, segueing into a brief montage of Hamster eating cabbage. The camera then zooms back out. Hamster turns around and watches Billy wave the carrot in front of him.)
Hamster: My name isn't Peanut, Billy. It's Hamster.
Billy: That fence must have shocked you something bad. You're talking!
Hamster: I belong to a girl named Gretel, who I care about very much. And also, this guy Kevin here. You're a wonderful boy, Billy, and even though I have to go back to my real family now, I'll never forget you. Oh! (pulls a ticket out) And here's a coupon for half off at my jazz show.
(The camera zooms in on a saddened Billy on the verge of tears, but then...)
Billy: You fool! I don't want your stupid coupon, and I'm not even a little boy! (laughs evilly and unzips his costume, revealing an adult male villain attempting to emerge from the costume)
Villain: Just a little―(falls over, then tries shymmying out again) Almost there. (manages to free his legs and kicks the costume sky-high) Whoo! (cracks his back) Aw man, that was constricting. I am The Imposter!
Hamster: Gotta admit, I did not see that coming.
The Imposter: It was I who lured you and Gretel downtown disguised as Record Scratch. I hurled the tractor-trailer at Gretel, knowing that you would try to save her. From my study of the effects of tractor-trailers on the Hamster cranium, I knew that you would get amnesia. Then, I brought you home and once I had gained your trust, I used your superpowers to help me get a high-angle of this park, allowing me to discover the location of this hidden fence. And finally, I had you disable the 20,000-volt electrified fence―which just happened a minute ago, but I'm telling you about it again because it was so cool! (Hamster and Kevin glance at each other) Yes, I used your one weakness, kindness, to help me steal this... (unveils a tank) ...experimental flying tank prototype! (enters the tank) It's a hybrid so I can take the carpool lane!
(Hamster charges at The Imposter, only to be blasted by a laser that ensnares Hamster and Kevin in a bubble.)
The Imposter: And now, I'm unstoppable!
(Cut to Gretel flyng around looking for Hamster. She looks down at the bubble and flies towards Hamster.)
Gretel: Hamster! You're alive!
Hamster: Never mind me, go fight him!
Gretel: Oops. Hugs later.
(The Imposter fires at the heroes and Kevin. Gretel races towards The Imposter, who then deploys missiles. Gretel attempst to dodge the missiles, but unfortunately, one explodes, sending her flying into the ground. A bit shaken, she flies away as The Imposter continues firing at her.)
Kevin: This ball is basically indestructable, right?
Hamster: Yeah.
Kevin: I've got a plan.
(Cut to Gretel swerving around trees as The Imposter continues following her. At one point, he deploys a buzz saw and begins cutting down trees. He then shoots at Gretel again before hanging a sharp U-turn.)
Kevin: You can fly; just lift it up.
Hamster: Oh, right.
(Hamster lifts the bubble up. As The Imposter locks in on Gretel, the bubble corks onto the tank's barrel, leading to an explosion that causes the tank to go down in flames and destroys the bubble. Hamster catches Kevin as he starts to fall.)
Kevin: Thanks.
(The police and the SWAT team arrive. Hamster sets Kevin on the ground.)
Kevin: Hamster, we did it! I mean, what's-what's up, dude? Uh, glad you're not dead.
(Gretel hugs Hamster)
Gretel: I missed you so much! Don't you ever do that again!
Hamster: You mean get amnesia and get abducted by a grown man disguised as a kid? Okay, I'll avoid that. Neither of you is gonna unzip your skin, are you?
Kevin and Gretel: No, we're good.
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