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This page is a transcribed copy of "La Sombrerona." Feel free to edit or add to this page, as long as the information comes directly from the episode. |
(Open to the Grant-Gomez residence. Kevin walks down the stairs.)
Kevin: Abuelita! I'm going out to the carnival.
(Abuelita comes out from behind a wall holding a frying pan.)
Abuelita: So you're not going to stay for my delicious papelón?
Kevin: Oh, I'd love to, but I'm meeting Hiromi.
Abuelita: Oh, the girl who only likes you as a friend.
Kevin: We have not established that! (exits the house)
Abuelita: Whatever. Have fun―but not too much fun!
Gretel: How come Kevin gets to go and I don't?
Abuelita: Because Kevin finished his homework, and when Abuelita is babysitting, everyone has to do their chores before they can have fun.
Gretel: I'll do it real quick right now! Hamster, pretend to be a protractor.
Hamster: Oh! Finally, someone asks. (assumes protractor position)
Veronica Hill: (on TV) We interrupt whatever boring thing you're doing right now for this important announcement: our fair city is under attack. The suspect? A woman with long hair, pale skin, and wearing five hats appears to drain people of their happiness. I know the feeling as I was left at the altar by a giant man-baby last month. Please remove that graphic.
Abuelita: Ay, this is very serious! Her name is La Sombrerona!
Gretel: La Sombrerona? Doesn't that mean "hat lady?" (giggles)
Abuelita: Sh-sh-ssh! Don't make fun. She can smell laughter.
Gretel: Can she not just hear it?
Abuelita: That too. A long time ago in a peaceful village, there was a beautiful woman who married a farmer, but the farmer did not want to do his chores; he only wanted to have fun. And one day while he was dancing in the fields, he fell off a cliff and he was eaten by a tiger―which is strange because tigers are not indigenous to South America. La Sombrerona was very sad and always wore her husband's hat to remember him. Some time passed and she married an accountant, but soon, he didn't want to count numbers anymore. He wanted to have fun and play in the jungle, and he too was eaten by a tiger. La Sombrerona wore his hat too. She remarried three more times, but each of the husbands only wanted to have fun and died under amusing but tragic circumstances. Eh, there were a lot of tigers around back then. Anyway, La Sombrerona wore all five hats and when she sees people who are having too much fun and are not doing their chores, she sucks the happiness out of them forever! The end.
Gretel: How come every story you tell us is about a scary spirit who wants kids to do their chores?
Abuelita: I don't make the rules of folklore. Now, do your homework. There are still tigers out there!
Gretel: But I've got to get out there and stop La Sombrerona!
Abuelita: La Sombrerona only goes after people when they are having too much fun.
Veronica Hill: Breaking news! The five-hatted hat lady who makes everyone sad has just attacked the shuffleboard courts at the senior citizen center!
Old Man: Great. Now, I'm old and sad. (cries)
Abuelita: Shuffleboard?! Oh, now it's personal. Gretel, you have to use your powers to get that bruja!
Gretel: If she feeds on happiness, I bet the next place she'll strike is where a lot of people are having fun. Where do people have fun?
Abuelita: Hm. The dentist?
Gretel: No.
(Cut to the carnival. Abuelita, Gretel walk down the way with Fred having joined them.)
Abuelita: I'm sorry, Gretel. These people are just asking to be attacked by La Sombrerona. WHY AREN'T YOU DOING YOUR CHORES?!
Gretel: Thanks for coming, Fred.
Fred: Normally, I shun carnivals, but a villain who hates happiness? Now, that sounds like a good time.
Gretel: I'm trying to warn Kevin, but he won't pick up.
(Cut to Kevin walking with Hiromi.)
Kevin: Everything looks so good! Should I try the ice cream-on-the-cob or the deep-fried everything?
Hiromi: Ooh, deep-fried every time. I'm gonna go get some cotton candy. Meet you at the funhouse! (walks past a stuffed bear) Aw, cute!
Kevin: Oh, she likes that koala bear. I've got to win it for her!
Stand Operator: Shoot the water into the clown's mouth, take out your laden hostility towards clowns. Only five bucks. (Kevin pays the operator, after which he and the child standing next to him begin shooting their respective clowns. The child's balloon fills up very quickly, resulting in the winner bell being triggered.)
Child: Yeah!
Stand Operator: And we have a winner. (gives the bear to the child)
Child: This bear is a symbol of your defeat!
Kevin: Oh, it is so on! (throws more money onto the table)
(Cut back to Abuelita, Gretel, Hamster, and Fred.)
Hamster: So, how do we find this leprechaun? (beat) Sorry, I haven't really been listening.
Abuelita: No one just finds La Sombrerona.
Fred: I bet she's over there (points in the direction of the funhouse where people come out crying) where all of the sad people are coming out of the funhouse.
(Hamster and Gretel fly in. La Sombrerona emits an evil laugh as she runs around.)
Gretel: We know you're in here, La Sombrerona! (La Sombrerona appears behind Gretel) A-ha! Gotcha!
(Gretel flies towards her, only to find that it is a reflection in one of the mirrors and hits it. She then follows the sound of her laughter again, only to hit another mirror. This occurs four more times. Gretel looks on with a fearful expression as multiple La Sombrerona reflections begin circling her.)
Gretel: That's it! I'm melting your hats! (shoots a heat vision beam at La Sombrerona, but it turns out to be yet another reflection as it ricochets off the mirror, sears through Hamster's cape, and ricochets off multiple other mirrors. La Sombrerona's laughter continues as Gretel dodges her own laser.)
Gretel: Okay, no heat vision in the house of mirrors.
Hamster: Good safety tip.
Gretel: Where are you?! (lifts the entire roof off the funhouse and spots La Sombrerona) A-ha!
(As Gretel flies back down, she lets go of the roof)
Gretel: La Sombrerona.
(Naturally, the roof crashes back down, breaking all of the mirrors in the funhouse.)
Hamster: I can't even calculate how many years of bad luck that is.
(Cut back to the clown game. The winner bell goes off again.)
Stand Operator: And we have a winner.
Child: Yes! Another one for your pile of humiliation! (adds another bear to his pile) Look how big it's getting.
Kevin: Let's go again! (puts his hand in his pocket) I, uh... oh. I don't-I don't have any more money.
Child: Pathetic!
Kevin: Oh, my watch! No, that belonged to my grandfather. (gasps) How about my other grandfather's watch?
Stand Operator: Here we go. Shoot the water into the clown's mouth in a vain attempt to win the affections of the girl who only sees you as a friend.
Kevin: We have not established that yet!
(Cut back to the funhouse.)
Gretel: Your reign of terror is about to end, La Sombrerona!
La Sombrerona: Ugh! I hate that name! Once something pops up on the Internet, it's impossible to get rid of it.
Gretel: So you didn't have five husbands who died in tragic but amusing ways?
La Sombrerona: Yes, that part is true, but why's everyone focused on my husbands? I'm the one out here ruining everyone's happiness... like this.
(La Sombrerona shoots at Hamster and Gretel, who dodge her attacks. Unfortunately, one of her blasts manage to hit them. Flip-wipe to outside as Hamster and Gretel come out of the funhouse crying. La Sombrerona follows them.)
Gretel: Life has no meaning. I am so sad!
(Fred and Abuelita gasp)
Hamster: My soul hurts!
La Sombrerona: What are you staring at?
Fred: You suck happiness out of people. Hilarious!
La Sombrerona: I'll show you hilarious! (shoots Fred with her anti-happiness beam, but nothing happens to her)
Fred: Eh.
(Beat.)
La Sombrerona: Okay. I'm going to start my reign of misery over there with the happier people.
(La Sombrerona targets a girl with a stuffed bear, a woman and her child, a couple, and a single man. The camera pans over all of the people crying.)
Abuelita: What's the matter? Fly after her! Do your superhero-y thing!
Gretel: Can't, so sad!
Hamster: Me too!
(Hamster and Gretel hug each other and cry)
Hamster: I'm going to eat my feelings. (to a cashier) I'm going to have the deep-fried cabbage. (cries) Extra cheese. (resumes crying)
Abuelita: Can't you think of something?
Gretel: Well, she wants to make everyone sad because she never got to have any fun.
Hamster: That. is. so sad. (hugs Gretel) So sad!
Fred: We could probably end all of this if we just show La Sombrerona a good time.
Gretel: But who's gonna make her have fun?
Hamster: (cries) Yeah, no offense, but we're out of commission and you two aren't exactly the life of the party.
Abuelita: Oh yeah? At your uncle Ernesto's wedding, they said I threw the best hora loca they had ever seen. It's like five parties stuffed into one party, then dipped in a totally different party. Wait a second, Winifred. Do you think we could―?
Fred: You had me at loca.
(Song: Hora Loca)
Abuelita: Hey everybody, it's time for the hora loca! That's the best part of the party. Follow!
♪ Dance on a the table, stand on a chair ♪
♪ Finish a portrait using your hair ♪
♪ And then double-dutch with a kangaroo ♪
♪ Juggle your niece, and your nephew, too ♪
♪ Oge! ♪
♪ It's time to throw depression to the wind ♪
♪ Good times are coming, grab your ese ♪
♪ Have you been? ♪
♪ Into an airplane upside down ♪
♪ Play a banjo duet with an out-of-work clown named Joe ♪
♪ If you've been moping and feeling down ♪
♪ Come along with us, we're gonna turn it around ♪
♪ Like whoa! ♪
♪ Now is the hour to go cra-azy ♪
♪ That's just a direct translation ♪
♪ So the lyrics are lazy! ♪
♪ Tell your madre to ♪
♪ Tell your padre to ♪
♪ Tell everybody ♪
♪ We're livin' it up at la Hora Loca! ♪
♪ Esta fiesta ♪
♪ You and a guest-a ♪
♪ Don't be depressed, 'cause ♪
♪ We're living it up at la Hora Loca! ♪
La Sombrerona: (laughs) I've never had so much fun! That was awesome! Now, everyone's so happy... that it will be even more painful for them when I suck up their happiness again!
Gretel: What?
La Sombrerona: Think years of trauma can be cured by 15 minutes of fun? My husbands. were eaten. by tigers!
(The heroes, Fred, and Abuelita duck as La Sombrerona begins shooting her sadness beams again. This time, she hits two children at a petting zoo, the angry clown from "Birthday Besties" as he makes a smiley face balloon for two children, turning them and the balloon sad, a man painting a caricature, and a crowd of people watching a juggler.)
Fred: Is it weird that I found her more creepy when she was smiling?
(Hamster and Gretel fly over to get a better view of La Sombrerona.)
Gretel: Hamster, it looks like her power come from her hat.
Hamster: It's time to take the "sombrero" out of the "Sombrerona."
Gretel: So she'll just be "na?"
Hamster: Exactly!
(Hamster and Gretel fly in and remove La Sombrerona's hats from her head, revealing a large antenna on her head.)
La Sombrerona: You've made me look ridiculous!
Hamster: Yeah, 'cause those five hats were totally fire.
Gretel: Why is there a radio tower on your head?
La Sombrerona: When I lost my five husbands, did I wallow in self-pity? No. I studied neuroscience and electrical engineering until I discovered a way to remove the happiness from other people. Unfortunately, that meant permanently attaching this to my head, but we all make sacrifices. And now, it's time for your sacrifice!
(Hamster and Gretel dodge La Sombrerona's attacks yet again.)
Gretel: I don't think we made things any better.
(Cut to the child winning yet another stuffed bear, this time in front of a crowd.)
Girl: You're wasting your money!
Stand Operator: You want to go again?
Girl: Dude, you're losing to a five-year-old, man.
(Kevin removes his watch and gives it to the operator.)
Kevin: Okay, fine. Take it.
Stand Operator: Nice! For that, you get two rounds.
(The two go again. Unfortunately for Kevin, the child's water balloon fills up much faster than his and the winner bell goes off yet again.)
Child: Yeah!
Kevin: His water pistol is stronger! This game is rigged!
Stand Operator: It's a carnival; everything is rigged. Anyone want a watch?
(Kevin growls before looking around for a way to win. He spots a water pressure valve.)
Kevin: A-ha! (cranks the water pressure up)
Stand Operator: Here we go!
(The two start again. Kevin's pistol builds up so much pressure, it launches him away from the stand and around the carnival. He splashes the angry clown and knocks him over just as La Sombrerona runs towards him.)
La Sombrerona: Fools! No one can stop―
(Kevin runs into La Sombrerona, causing her to fall over and hit a high striker game. The puck rises all the way up and hits the bell.)
Man: Using the antenna from a scary character in South American folklore is unusual, but not forbidden. We have a winner! (presents Kevin with a stuffed bear)
Kevin: Huh? What?
(Hiromi approaches Kevin)
Hiromi: Aw! Did you win that for me? (takes the bear) I hope you didn't spend too much money.
Kevin: (stutters) No, no. It was-it was super easy. Don't worry about―
Hiromi: What happened to your grandfather's watch?
Kevin: Oh, it went to a good cause.
(Cut to La Sombrerona being taken away by the police.)
Hamster: La Sombrerona, you have the right to stop being such a buzzkill.
Fred: I'll tell you, Abuelita. That hora loca was pretty loca. Didn't know you had it in you.
Abuelita: I did! And now, I don't. Hora loca is officially over! Everyone stop having fun! Go do your chores! (a group of bystanding teenagers walk away; Abuelita turns to Gretel) Well, all except for you. You earned a little fun.
(Gretel, Fred, and Gretel dance.)
Abuelita: All right, that's enough! (everyone stops) Just kidding! (everyone resumes dancing)
All: ♪ Living it up at la Hora Loca now! ♪
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