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This page is a transcribed copy of "Lorraine, Rattle, and Roll." Feel free to edit or add to this page, as long as the information comes directly from the episode. |
(Opens to outside the Exclaimation residence. Gretel and Bailey walk up to the door, the former carrying a gift box. Nordle bursts out the door before Bailey could ring the doorbell.)
Nordle: Greetings, ladies!
Gretel and Bailey: Happy birthday, Nordle!
(Nordle happily opens his gift.)
Nordle: (gasps) A new pair of loafers!
Bailey: With upper heel cushioning!
Nordle: My Achilles' heel is my Achilles' heel! You remembered. (Takes the gift from Gretel and holds it up to Tobor) Tobor, add these to my loafer collection.
Tobor: Yes, sir.
(They enter inside.)
Bailey: Wow, your place looks so classy!
Tobor: Sparkling water.
Gretel and Bailey: Ooh! Fancy!
(They each take a sparkling water, clink their glasses, and take a sip.)
Nordle: This is my first birthday since Father's been gone. In fact, I've never had a birthday party!
(A flashback shows Professor Exclamation looming over a crib.)
Professor Exclamation: You don't get a birthday party, son. Turning a year old is no accomplishment.
(A reversed shot shows Nordle, as a baby, lying in the crib and sucking his thumb with a look of blissful ignorance.)
Professor Exclamation (cont'd): Come back to me when you invent your first doomsday weapon.
(End flashback.)
Nordle: So today, I'm rolling 10 birthday parties into one! (Presents a clipboard with various posters on them) First, we're gonna play a rousing game of "pin the vertex on the parabola". Followed by a math magician, his equations are spell binding! And then a dunk tank.
Gretel: With a clown?
Nordle: Close. An associate professor of philosophy. And we'll top it all off with some Swedish anchovy cake!
(Tobor looks over at the to-do list plastered on the fridge, and realizes that he forgot to get the cake.)
Tobor: Oh, no. (Rushes toward the door)
Nordle: Hey! Where you going, Tobor? We're on a very tight schedule!
Tobor: Nowhere. Bye!
(Lorraine appears at the door and knocks into Tobor.)
Lorraine: Ow! Okay, alright, I'll leave. (Tobor glides past her) You don't have to— Hi, Nordie! I'm so used to your dad's killer robots chasing me away. But I've never seen one run from little old me! (Laughs)
Nordle: Aunt Lorraine?!
Lorraine: So your dad's still in the slammer, huh?
Nordle: He's away! Gretel, Bailey, this is my aunt Lorraine, who lives in Reno and is now inexplicably in our midst.
Gretel: I'm sure she flew in for your birthday.
Lorraine: Uh… yeah, exactly! (Backs out the door) That's exactly what I did. BRB!
(She goes outside. The sound of objects clattering is heard, and she eventually returns with a car jack.)
Lorraine: Happy birthday, Nordie! It's a car jack!
(She drops the car jack into Nordle's hands. He scowls and lifts an eyebrow at it.)
Lorraine (cont'd): Never know when it could come in handy.
Nordle: Gee, thanks…
Lorraine: (to Gretel and Bailey) You know, Nordle's dad and I grew up in this house together! (to Nordle) Well, I think I'm gonna fix myself a snack. (Starts walking towards the kitchen) Hope I don't have to fight any killer robots in there! (Laughs)
Nordle: Ugh! Stay out of there! (Groans in frustration) Speaking of robots, where is Tobor?!
(Cuts to Tobor entering a bakery.)
Cashier: The last Swedish anchovy cake of the day! (Places the cake inside the display)
Tobor and El Luchador: May I have that cake plea—
(They look at each other.)
Tobor: Please, I need this cake for a precocious little boy's birthday!
El Luchador: But I need this for my cat Buttons! It's his birthday too, you know.
Tobor: I beg of you. I'll do anything.
El Luchador: Anything, you say? Very well. I will wrestle you for the cake. (Rips his coat off)
Tobor: Let's rumble.
(He rips off a layer of his metal-clad body and the two begin wrestling.)
Cashier: (on the phone) Help! Send the police, now!
(Cuts back to the Exclamation residence. Gretel, Bailey and Nordle walk to the kitchen.)
Nordle: Aunt Lorraine is like a giant, impulsive child. She's going to ruin my meticulously planned birthday!
(They enter the kitchen and find that Lorraine left a huge mess in it. She is shown lounging at the table and eating a sandwich.)
Nordle: Ugh! See what I mean? (Walks over to his aunt) Spill it, Lorraine! Why are you actually here?
Lorraine: (tosses the sandwich away) I swung by to pick up my old guitar. I think it's in my old practice room.
Bailey: You're a musician? That's so cool!
Lorraine: Yeah, I had a big hit back in '96 called Bad Bad Heart. That single went platinum in Liechtenstein.
Gretel and Bailey: (in awe) Cool!
Nordle: Yes, yes, 1996 was a good year for you. (Grabs Lorraine's arm and ushers her out the kitchen) Anyhoo, it is my birthday and we have a very tight schedule, so you'll have to come back another day!
Lorraine: But I'm here now, Nordie! I've never been a planner like you or your dad, I'm like the wind. I live in the moment.
Nordle: Wind is not alive, Lorraine. It's a result of pressure systems and… ugh, you wouldn't understand.
Gretel: Come on, Nordle, she came all this way. Let's just help your aunt find her guitar.
Bailey: Yeah!
Lorraine: I'll get a headstart. Last one to catch me is one of my creditors! (Laughs and runs off)
Nordle: UGH!
(Cuts back to the bakery with the police there, watching Tobor and El Luchador fight.)
Cashier (disappointed): I called you guys to arrest them!
Red-haired Police Officer: We will, we will, just as soon as the ref gets to the count of three.
Referee: One, two
(Tobor and El luchador get up.)
Red-haired Police Officer: Ooh, so close.
(The cashier looks disappointed.)
(Cut back to the Exclamation residence.)
Lorraine: Ah, my old practice room. Just like I left it. (She sits on a beanbag chair.) Ow! (She finds a candy cane.) Well, it's December somewhere. (Lorraine starts to suck on the candy cane.)
Nordle: Found it.
Lorraine: (excited, throws the candy cane on the floor) My guitar! (Tries to get up.) Okay, how do you— (groans) I got to pitch out, I got to pitch out. (Tries to use her legs to get up.) Ow! I'm going to— Okay, hold on, I'm going to anchor myself. (Tries to get up, only to fail again. The beanbag chair deflates.) It's taking me! It's taking me! (Gretel and Bailey help her up.) Okay, I got it.
Nordle: All right, you got what you came for. Now, you can leave!
Lorraine: Not so fast. Hey, who wants to hear Bad Bad Heart?
Nordle: No one-
Gretel and Bailey: Me, me, me!
(Lorraine plugs her guitar into a guitar amp. She turns the amp volume up to 10. She starts to play on her guitar, only to be taken into another dimension.)
Lorraine: What's happening?!
(Gretel and Bailey gasp.)
Bailey (concerned): Where's she going?!
(Meanwhile, Lorraine arrives on the other side of the dimension.)
Lorraine: (concerned) Hello?! Kids?! Nordle?! Anybody?! (panicking) Where am I?! It looks just like my practice room, but backwards, and no doors out! (normal) Oh, a salad bar. (She grabs some lettuce and croutons.)
Professor Exclamation (through a mannequin): Hello, Lorraine.
Lorraine: Jack, what gives?! (exasperated sigh) Is this another one of your weird mannequins with a pre-recorded message?!
Professor Exclamation: I have trapped you in an alternate dimension, little sister. I got sick of you constantly showing up unannounced and jamming out to your awful music.
Lorraine: (while grabbing a crouton with her fingers) Okay that only happened like 23 times.
Professor Exclamation: So I experimented with the space-time continuum. This way, the next time you came back and played your wretched guitar again, you'd get stuck into this other dimension.
Lorraine: Sheesh! You know, most people just change the locks.
Professor Exclamation: Enjoy being trapped in here forever! And the complimentary salad bar! I mean, I'm not a monster.
Lorraine: There's no Thousand Island dressing! You are a monster! (Cuts to the wall) I'm getting out of here!
(Cuts back to the original dimension.)
Gretel: She's gonna be trapped in there forever if we don't do something!
Nordle: Indeed she will. And now we can get back to the festivities!
Bailey: But Nordle, you can't leave your estranged aunt trapped in an alternate dimension created by your evil supervillain father. I don't care how good the salad bar is!
Lorraine: It's not that good!
Nordle: Father was right to trap her. Lorraine only thinks about herself.
Gretel: And right now, you're only thinking about yourself!
Nordle: (groans) Okay, fine. If Father set up all that stuff in the other dimension, he must have used some sort of exit to get back out.
(Nordle plays the guitar. The portal to the alternate dimension opens up, and he gets sucked in.)
Nordle: WHOA!
(Cuts back inside the dimension, where Lorraine fixes herself a salad.)
Lorraine: Well, that's the last of the croutons...
(Nordle arrives.)
Lorraine: Nordie! Ah, thank goodness you're here! Did you happen to bring any croutons with you?
Nordle: I can't believe you can eat at a time like this! (Scoffs and begins looking around) Now, there's gotta be some kind of hidden exit in here or at least some way to trigger it. (Knocks on the wall)
Lorraine: When I'm stuck on a problem, I take a little break and think about something else. If you live in the moment, solutions will come to you, just like the wind! (flicks a crouton into the air)
Nordle: (softly) Ugh… How can you be so different from me and Father?
Lorraine: Oh, you're more like me than you think. You've got a good heart. Your father, though…
Nordle: Let me guess. He has a bad heart?
Lorraine: No! A bad, bad heart.
(She flings away her salad, creating a transition to Lorraine playing her guitar on stage, much to Nordle's dismay.)
Nordle: I walked right into that one.
(Song: Bad Bad Heart)
Lorraine: ♪ You got a bad, bad heart ♪
♪ You got a bad, bad heart ♪
♪ You're so quick to judge ♪
♪ You always hold a grudge ♪
♪ You got a bad, bad heart ♪
♪ You got a bad, bad heart ♪
♪ You got a bad, bad heart ♪
♪ You only write me when ♪
♪ You use a poison pen ♪
♪ You got a bad, bad heart ♪
♪ I know I stepped across a couple of lines ♪
♪ I got some tickets and a bunch of fines ♪
♪ But you won't even look me in the eyes ♪
♪ Even when I'm trying to apologize ♪
♪ You've done this from the start ♪
♪ It's tearing me apart ♪
♪ You got a bad, bad heart ♪
♪ You got a bad, bad heart ♪
♪ Take this with a grain of salt ♪
♪ 'Cause we know it's my fault ♪
♪ You got a bad, bad heart! ♪
(Cuts back to reality. Similarly to earlier, Lorraine falls into a beanbag and struggles to get out of it.)
Nordle: Huh. The people of Liechtenstein have pretty good taste.
(Cuts back to the bakery. A wrestling ring is now set up, with a large crowd of police officers who have come to spectate Tobor and El Luchador's wrestling match.)
El Luchador: FOR BUTTONS!
(He slams down on Tobor.)
Tobor: Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!
Gray-haired Police Officer: Did you see that small SUV Luchador drives? Can you believe he had this entire ring disassembled in his trunk?
Red-haired Police Officer: Man, I gotta get one of those SUVs.
(Tobor hits El Luchador with a stool.)
(Cuts back to the alternate dimension.)
Nordle: (sighs) We're never getting out of here!
Lorraine: (while making a new salad) Oh, we'll be fine. Trust your aunt Lorraine! You'll be surprised that when you chill out and have a good time, answers can come to ya! You just gotta go with the flow.
(She takes a piece of lettuce from her salad and flicks it at her nephew.)
Nordle: (angrily) Hey!
(Lorraine smirks at him. Nordle thinks for a moment, giggles, and takes the lettuce slice and throws it back at her. The two of them break into joyful laughter and start having a food fight, with Lorraine throwing parts of the salad at Nordle and vice versa. At one point, Lorraine takes a handful of olives from the salad bar.)
Lorraine: Incoming!
(She chucks the olives at Nordle. He flinches in response.)
Nordle: Ugh! Not olives! I hate olives!
Lorraine: Me too! See, Nordie? We have more in common than you thought.
Nordle: Wait a second, that's it! Look! If you hate olives, father probably knew you wouldn't touch them, so... (long pause) there's got to be a switch at the bottom!
Lorraine: (groans) Guess it's time for me to take one for the team. (She starts shoveling olives into her mouth.)
Nordle: Auntie Lorraine, what are you doing?!
Lorraine: I'm trying to eat our way to that switch. (Continues to stuff her face with olives.)
Nordle: We could just scoop them out of the way.
Lorraine: Uh yeah, that makes more sense. (Scoops the olives out of the way.) I can see the switch at the bottom!
(She turns on the switch. The portal appears. Bailey and Gretel gasp, over at the other side of the portal.)
Nordle: The portal is closing again!
(Lorraine places a container of shrimp into the portal.)
Gretel: Is that shrimp?
(The container starts to bend.)
Lorraine: That's not gonna hold it for long. You go, Nordle. I'll stay behind. I love room temperature eggs.
Nordle: How am I supposed to get out? There's a tin of half-eaten shrimp in the way.
Lorraine: I'm going to throw you through, and your head will knock the tin out of the way.
Nordle: What?
Lorraine: Here we go!
Nordle: No, no, no, don't!
Lorraine: Cover your head!
(Nordle covers his head.)
Nordle: This is going to hurt so much!
Lorraine: It's the only way!
Nordle: Can you throw me feet first?
Lorraine: Too late for that, I got too much momentum! (She throws Nordle through the portal.)
Nordle: Ooh, ow! That was every bit as painful as I thought it would be.
(The portal starts to close.)
Nordle: Auntie Lorraine! What are we going to do? Ooh, I got it. I'll be right back.
(Nordle leaves for a moment, then comes back with the carjack. Meanwhile, Lorraine tries to keep the portal open from the other side. Nordle puts the carjack into the portal.)
Nordle: Curse my weak forearms!
(Gretel and Bailey come in to help him. They push on the car wrench. Lorraine comes out.)
Lorraine: Hey, you used the carjack. I told you it would come in handy!
Nordle: Thanks Aunt Lorraine, I couldn't have done it without you, and you know what? I actually had fun being in another dimension with you, even if it was infested with olives. And, let's just see where the day takes us. Like the wind.
Bailey: That's not how the wind works.
Nordle: Hey, I'm the know-it-all here!
Tobor: There you are. Who is ready for anchovy cake?
Bailey (anxious): I'm fish pastry intolerant.
Gretel (anxious): Uh, yeah, me too.
Lorraine: Ah, no thanks. I filled up on olives. (Gags)
Nordle: Well I'll certainly have some!
Tobor: Thank goodness, because I went to great lengths to get this cake. (Tobor's arm and legs fall off.) I need a doctor.
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