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This page is a transcribed copy of "Romancing the Scone." Feel free to edit or add to this page, as long as the information comes directly from the episode. |
(Open to the Grant-Gomez residence. Gretel is reading a book while Kevin, in the background, is making a sandwich.)
Gretel: Larry the Magic Boy entered the room. Is this an ordinary room?
Hamster: It's not an ordinary room, it's a trap! (beat) Uh, I've read this one already.
(Carolina approaches the children as Hamster begins running on his wheel.)
Carolina: Kids, time to go. Kevin, remember that after school, you have to take Hamster to the vet. (Hamster stops running as soon as he hears this and crashes into the walls of his cage; Carolina tosses her car keys to Kevin) You know what they say: "Don't argue with Mom." (walks away)
Kevin: You okay there, buddy?
Hamster: Yeah. (chuckles) Of course. I love the vet! Why would you think I don't love the vet? (nervously eats a piece of cabbage)
(Cut to Eastside Elementary)
Ms. Jamanpour: And that's why in English, we call it a book and not a lawnmower. And now, I'm going to pair you up to do your book reports. Normally, I would let you work with a friend, but today, I'm going to pair you up at random because life just isn't fair! Just ask the blobfish.
(Cut to a large blobfish in a fish tank, who just blows air in the form of bubbles.)
Ms. Jamanpour: And our first team is...
Gretel: Please not Nordle...
Nordle: Please not Gretel... (straightens his glasses)
Ms. Jamanpour: Nordle and Gretel!
Gretel and Nordle: Aw!
Ms. Jamanpour: The first of life's many disappointments!
(Cut to Nordle and Gretel walking together.)
Gretel: How about we do our book report on Larry the Magic Boy and the Grapefruit Which is Also Magic?
Nordle: Oh, I read that! It's about that awesome sorcerer, Immoralis the Evil!
Gretel: Awesome? He's the bad guy. He has evil in his name.
Nordle: Exactly! So he can beat anyone.
Gretel: Not Larry and his friend Edwin, and their magical bond of friendship.
Nordle: Ugh! Larry's the worst part of Larry the Magic Boy.
Gretel: Nuh-uh!
Nordle: Yes-huh!
Gretel: Uh-uh!
Nordle: Nuh-uh!
(While the two children argue, a scone left on the table of a cafe is bathed in the aliens' infamous green light. It pulsates with evil energy. Pan up to the aliens' spacecraft.)
Male Alien: Um, did we just give evil powers to a breakfast pastry?
Female Alien: Hey, I'm still getting used to the controls!
(The spacecraft erratically flies away, eventually crashing into a bird offscreen. Cut back to Nordle and Gretel's argument.)
Gretel: Well, you're pretentious!
Nordle: Well, you're not pretentious enough.
Gretel: Nuh-uh!
Nordle: Yes-huh!
Gretel: Nuh-uh!
Norlde: Uh-huh! (the scone jumps into Nordle's backpack)
Gretel: Nuh-uh!
(Cut to Kevin being guided into the vet's office.)
Woman: The doctor will be here in just a sec. (to Hamster) And don't you worry, little fella. It won't hurt a bit. (exits the room)
Hamster: What does that mean, "It won't hurt a bit?" When people say it won't hurt a bit, it means it's going to hurt a bit!
Kevin: People throw buildings at you. How could you be afraid of the vet?
Hamster: Fear is not rational, Kevin, like your fear of blueberries.
Kevin: FOOD SHOULD NOT BE BLUE! (beat) Anyway, you don't look scared.
Hamster: Humans are so unperceptive. This is my calm face. (waves his hand over his face) This is my terrified face. (waves his hand in front of his face again) Calm. (and again) Terrified! (and again) Calm. (and again) Terrified!
Kevin: Well, the longer we wait, the more stressed out you're gonna get. (turns around) Where is that doctor? (turns back around to find that Hamster's cage is empty) Aah! Hamster! All right, where are you?
Hamster: (from inside a jar) I'm a hamster, Kevin. (pops out of the jar) We're built for hiding. (Kevin gives chase) Whoa! Too slow, unperceptive human!
(Cut back to Nordle and Gretel)
Nordle: Okay, I'll do the report, but only if we say Immoralis the Evil is the good guy.
Gretel: No way!
(The two approach a playground)
Nordle: What is this place? Its bright colors invoke feelings in me that I can't identify.
Gretel: This is a playground.
Nordle: Ah, yes. The park for slothful and lazy children. Father warned me about this place. Oh, that ride over there looks quite unsavory.
(A robot, Tobor, approaches them)
Gretel: Nordle, that's not a ride!
(Tobor scans the two and detects the scone.)
Tobor: Evil superpowers detected. (begins to ambush the children, who run away)
Gretel: Evil superpowers? What is he talking about?! (Gretel and Nordle enter the jungle gym. Gretel hangs a screen left and drags Nordle along with her.) In here!
(Tobor's claw follows them, narrowly missing as they seek refuge. Gretel calls Kevin.)
Kevin's answering machine: Kevin's not here. (beep)
Gretel: Hi, Kevin. I'm at the park and I'm having a bit of a giant evil robot situation, so maybe you and our pet could come help? (the claw breaks through) Maybe now? Where are you?
(Cut back to the vet as Kevin's silhouette runs around the room still trying to catch Hamster.)
Kevin: No, no, no, no, no! (screams)
(Cut back to the park. Tobor continues bashing through the jungle gym as three children watch.)
Boy: And you wanted to go to the aquarium today.
(Cut back to Gretel and Nordle)
Nordle: You know, this robot proves the power of brute force just like Immoralis the Evil.
Gretel: Well, unless we work together like Larry and his friend Edwin, that robot's gonna pound us to bits!
(The claw breaks through again)
Nordle: Good point.
(Tobor blocks the exit, forcing the two to go back the other way. Having broken a piece of the jungle gym off, Torbor throws it away and continues his attempt to get to the two children.)
Nordle: Well, there must be a mathematical way to get out of this.
Gretel: Great idea, Nordle. Hand me your calculator.
(Nordle does as he is told. Gretel goes to the top of the jungle gym and throws the calculator at a "No Dogs Allowed" sign. When it falls over, Tobor looks in the direction of the sound it made, allowing Nordle and Gretel to make a run for it.)
Gretel: Go, go, go!
(Gretel goes down the slide and runs away. Nordle follows suit, only to fall flat on his face. He gets up and follows Gretel. Tobor turns around.)
(Cut back to the vet.)
Hamster: I can't take it in here. I've got to get out! Are we done yet? I see bats. Do you see bats?
Kevin: You know, maybe if we talked about your feelings, we could talk about why you're so afraid of the vet.
Hamster: Uh-uh, nope, nope, nope. I don't need to talk. Nope, nope, nope.
(Cut to Nordle's house. Nordle and Gretel rush inside and close the doors behind them.)
Gretel: That was the craziest robot I've ever seen.
Nordle: You've seen other robots before?
Gretel: I mean, in robot-themed paintings. Wow, nice house. What do your parents do for a living?
Nordle: My father is a used tire salesman.
Gretel: Must be some pretty nice used tires. Does your mom work?
Nordle: Mother has been gone for a while.
Gretel: Oh, Nordle. I'm sorry.
Nordle: Oh, don't feel bad. She's just down the street...
Gretel: (sigh of relief) What a relief!
Nordle: ...at the cemetery...
Gretel: Oh, Nordle.
Nordle: ...where she works as a groundskeeper. (beat) That's it. There's no more misdirecting clarifications.
Gretel: Okay... Maybe we should figure out why that robot was chasing us.
(Cut to the pair entering Nordle's bedroom.)
Nordle: Pardon the mess. I don't have guests over very often... or ever.
Gretel: You've never had a friend over?
Nordle: Father says friends are for the weak. (empties his backpack onto his bed) Now, let's take a look at this backpack. (reviews the contents of his backpack) Huh. Ruler, pencil case, granola bar, glowing radioactive scone, breath mints―Wait, I hate scones! How did this get in here?
Gretel: This must be what the robot was after.
Nordle: The robot said, "evil powers detected." Let's look at it under my radio spetograph. (places the scone in said device) Wow, this scone's evil energy is off the charts!
Gretel: Nordle, this scone is too dangerous. We've got to destroy it.
Nordle: Well, maybe we need to investigate further. But first, let's go get some milk and cookies.
(Nordle opens the door to find Tobor standing there ready to attack)
Gretel: Nordle, look out!
(Professor Exclamation appears from behind Tobor)
Professor Exclamation: Sorry if my robot startled you.
Nordle: Gretel, I'd like you to meet my father, Professor Exclamation.
(A dramatic sting plays as the camera zooms in on Gretel's shocked expression. Gretel gasps.)
(Cut back to the vet)
Kevin: Okay, I've heard that some people can be cured of their fears by doing word association, so I'll say a word and you'll say the first thing that comes to your head. Let's begin. Sunshine.
Hamster: Mosquito.
Kevin: Sadness.
Hamster: Mosquito.
Kevin: House.
Hamster: Mosquito.
Kevin: Very interesting. Why do you think all of these things make you think of a mosquito?
Hamster: Because you have one on your face.
(Kevin screams and waves his hands around his face.)
Kevin: GET IT OFF ME, GET IT OFF ME! (screams)
Hamster: I'm just kidding. There isn't a mosquito.
(Kevin shoots Hamster an angry look.)
(Cut back to Nordle's house)
Nordle: Father, I don't understand. Why do you have a robot? And why does it think I have evil powers?
Professor Exclamation: Tobor, take Nordle's schoolmate into the kitchen and give her whatever she wants. Nordle and I need to talk.
Tobor: Yes, Professor Exclamation. (takes Gretel to the kitchen) Sit down. I will make you nutrition.
(Gretel walks to the table and when no one is looking, busts out her super hearing)
Nordle: Father, I don't understand. Why would you make a robot that can detect evil powers?
Professor Exclamation: Nordle, I have a confession to make. I'm a supervillain!
Nordle: What?! Since when?!
Professor Exclamation: Since I lost my elbows in that industrial accident. I decided if I couldn't bend my arms, I would bend everyone else to my will!
(Nordle and Professor Exclamation enter a secret lair.)
Nordle: I just can't believe you're evil!
Professor Exclamation: But Nordle, you're evil too. And apparently, you have superpowers.
Nordle: I don't have powers, Father. (pulls the scone out of his jacket) I think your robot was detecting this.
Professor Exclamation: A scone with superpowers. Amazing.
(Professor Exclamation reaches for the scone. Cut to Tobor serving Gretel cereal.)
Gretel: (sucks teeth) Is this regular milk? I don't like that.
Tobor: This is the only cereal-dampening liquid we have.
Gretel: Yeah, I can only have oat milk. And Professor Ex said to give me whatever I want. You wouldn't want to go against a direct order, would you?
Tobor: Uh... I will go to the mini mart. Is there anything else that you need? I don't want to do that thing where I come back with the milk and it's like, "Tobor, we're out of laundry detergent." (beat) No? Okay then. (departs) I'll just get my keys.
(Gretel runs towards Nordle.)
(Cut back to the vet.)
Hamster: Hamsters have a natural fear of veterinarians. In the wild, veterinarians are our only natural predators.
Kevin: Veterinarians are just people who want to help animals.
Hamster: No, man. They're freaky.
(The vet comes in.)
Vet: Okay, let's take a look at the little fella. (picks Hamster up and examines him) He's fine. (puts Hamster down and exits the examination room)
Hamster: Hm. That wasn't so bad.
Vet: (pokes her head back in) That'll be $200.
(Cut back to Nordle and Professor Exclamation)
Professor Exclamation: The evil power is so concentrated, if we both take a bite, we can share the evil superpowers!
Nordle: I don't know, Father.
Professor Exclamation: We can conquer the world! It will be our thing like how your uncle Bob and Daren have model trains. Evil will be our model trains.
(The camera zooms in on Professor Exclamation's face. He smiles as Nordle places the scone up to his mouth. Gretel rushes in.)
Gretel: Nordle, stop!
Professor Exclamation: Do you mind? Converting my son to evil here.
Gretel: Nordle, if you become evil, we can't be friends anymore.
Nordle: Wait, we're friends?
Gretel: We battled a robot together, we argued about Larry the Magic Boy, and I'm the first person you ever let in your room. Of course we're friends, but not if you become a supervillain.
Professor Exclamation: Nordle, what's more important? Friendship or being evil? (Nordle takes a moment to think about his options, then slowly inches the scone towards his open mouth.) That's it, Nordle. Take a bite. (Nordle throws the scone into the air and destroys it with one of Professor Exclamation's devices) What?! No!
Nordle: I may be weird, but I'm not evil!
Professor Exclamation: Nordle, you made a terrible decision! I renounce you, I disown you! I forbid your name ever to be uttered in our house again! So, pick you up at five after soccer?
Nordle: Okay. Thanks, Dad!
(Professor Exclamation starts towards the exit, then turns towards Gretel.)
Professor Exclamation: Oh, and you better not tell anyone what happened here... or you'll never be able to stay for dinner and I make a wonderful soufflé!
Gretel: Well, I think you made a great decision. What made you change your mind?
Nordle: I decided that I'd rather be like Larry the Magic Boy, who has friends, than Immoralis, who just has power.
Gretel: Well, that was a good choice because Immoralis gets destroyed at the end of the series!
(record needle scratch)
Nordle: NO!!! I haven't... ugh! ...read it yet! What about Heinrick the Elf? Does he make it? (Gretel shakes her head) Oh, why were these books written for children! (hugs Gretel as he bawls his eyes out) Crying is so much better when it's with a friend!
Gretel: Well, so is laughing, but I guess we're not there yet.
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