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This page is a transcribed copy of "Self-HEELP!." Feel free to edit or add to this page, as long as the information comes directly from the episode. |
(Open to the Grant-Gomez residence)
Gretel: Is there anything better than Saturday morning cartoons?
Kevin: Watching them in silence?
Fred: Shh! I can't hear myself be lazy.
(Carolina enters the room)
Kevin: Uh... what's with the getup, Mom?
Carolina: Your father and I are finally going to plant that veggie garden we've been talking about.
Fred: Hey, Aunt Carolina. Have you heard of this great new thing called the grocery store?
Carolina: (laughs) I'm going to miss your black cloud nihilism once your mom comes to pick you up.
(The doorbell rings)
Fred: Overzealous ding-donging. Must be Mom.
(Carolina opens the door)
Stacy: Hello, family!
Carolina: (hugging her sister-in-law) Stacy!
Kevin and Gretel: Aunt Stacy!
Fred: Hey, Mom.
Stacy: Winifred! Get over here and join the cuddle puddle!
(Fred laughs nervously as her mother hugs her)
Carolina: How was your tour?
Stacy: Fourteen motivational talks, no sleep, and the airline lost my baggage! It was amazing!
Carolina: Always so positive.
Stacy: You know my motto: positivity brings positiveness!
(Dave enters the house with bags of vegetables)
Dave: Did I miss her? Did I miss her? (gasps as he hugs Stacy) My favorite sister, who is also my only sister!
Kevin: What's wrong? Aren't you glad she's back?
Fred: Yeah, but you know my mom. She's all like "Blah!" and I'm all like "bleah." She just doesn't get me.
Stacy: I saw this shirt in a mall in Tucson and thought, "This is Winifred!"
Fred: (sarcastically) Wow, thanks. (whispering to Kevin) Doesn't get me.
Stacy: It's going to look so cute on you, especially when you come to my seminar today as my VIP guest. (the shirt begins to slide off of Fred's body) Surprise! (blows an airhorn)
Dave: This is why Dad always told us to carry an airhorn!
Stacy: 'Cause you never know when an airhorn can come in handy.
(Dave and Stacy blast their airhorns)
Fred: Uh, Mom? That sounds great, but motivational seminars aren't really my thing.
Stacy: Oh, what are you talking about? Positiveness runs through your veins!
Fred: The only thing running through my veins is cynicism and boba tea.
Stacy: You've never been to one of my seminars before and I'd really like it if you'd come.
Fred: I, uh.. I guess I'll go... put on my new abomination―I mean, shirt.
Dave: Now that's something to celebrate!
(Fred emits the most forced laugh of all time as Dave and Stacy resume blasting airhorns)
(Cut to the convention center.)
Fred: Wow, there's a lot of people here. I don't like people.
(A man, Charlie, takes the seat to the right [the audience's left] of Fred)
Charlie: Th-these seats are uncomfortable, right?
Fred: Not as uncomfortable as small talk.
Charlie: (removes his sunglasses) Hi, I'm Charlie. I'm a big Stacy Grant fan. Positivity brings positiveness!
Fred: Just like redundancy brings redundantness.
Charlie: I'm here because I almost gave up on my dreams. But then, I saw a flyer for this event―Stacy Grant: "Positivity Brings Postitiveness!" And I knew this was the answer!
(Fred looks up from her phone)
Fred: (pretending to care) Wow, what a testament to the enduring power of print advertising.
Male announcer: All right, everybody get ready to welcome the queen of positivity, Stacy Grant!
(Song: Positivity Equals Positiveness)
Stacy: ♪ If you're stuck in negativity ♪
♪ And you're looking for success ♪
♪ Just remember ♪
♪ Positivity brings positiveness ♪
♪ It's a one-step program ♪
♪ Positivity brings positiveness ♪
Disclaimer: "Positivity brings positiveness" is a registered trademark, but only within this fictional universe.
(applause)
Fred: (sighs) It's gonna be a long Saturday.
Stacy: Before we get started, we have a very important guest in the audience today. (giggles) Everybody welcome my positively awesome daughter, Winifred! (a spotlight shines on Fred, much to her horror) Walk on up, sweetie! (the audience begins cheering as Fred reluctantly walks onto the stage) Say hi to the folks, honey.
Fred: This is the worst thing that's ever happened to me.
Stacy: Isn't she a hoot?!
Audience: Aw!
Stacy: Now, to kick things off, we need a volunteer who's ready to embrace positiveness.
Charlie: Me, me! Me, me, me! Pick me, pick me!
Stacy: Wow, looks like this gentleman in the front is pumped. Come on up! (Charlie approaches the stage) Tell me, sir. Why are you here? (grabs Fred by the shoulder as she discreetly attempts to escape)
Charlie: Well, my name is Charlie and I have this dream. I've worked on it for years but I'm afraid that people will laugh at me.
Stacy: Charlie, fear shouldn't get in the way. If you have a gift, use it! Because what's the first rule of positiveness?
Audience: Positivity!
Stacy: Yes! (to Charlie) Are you ready to embrace your positivity?
Charlie: Yes!
Stacy: Are you ready to spread your wings?
Charlie: That's exactly it! You so get me.
Stacy: Then tell us your dream, Charlie.
Charlie: (takes the microphone) Ever since the dawn of time, man has yearned to fly. And after years of experimenting with goose DNA, I have reached the next phase of human evolution!
Fred: Anyone else sense a tone shift here?
Charlie: Behold, my true identity! (wings sprout from his butt; the audience gasps as Charlie begins to fly) Father Goose!
(Song: Father Goose Jingles)
♪ Father goose ♪
♪ Has wings coming out of his butt! ♪
(beat)
Stacy: Okay, this is unexpected, but um, at least he's putting himself out there, which is something I can get behind.
Man: Behind, like where his wings are coming out!
(Charlie watches in horror as the audience begins to laugh)
Charlie: Huh? B-bu-but-but-but-but―
Woman: He said "but," and his wings are coming out of his butt!
Charlie: Why are you laughing?! This is not a joke! Traffic jams could be a thing of the past, we could all fly south for the winter! Don't you see?! (crashes into a chandelier)
Man 2: I can see you got wings coming out of your butt!
Charlie: All right, that's it! Hear my mighty honk! HOOOOOOOOOOOOOONK! (geese from all over the Tri-State Area hear this) HOOOOOOOONK! (geese fly in the direction of Charlie's "honking")
(Cut to Kevin, Hamster, and Gretel watching Dave and Carolina work on their garden)
Gretel: I just don't get gardening.
Hamster: I wish this show had sound.
Kevin: We can always add our own. (as Dave) I'm an adult; I like dirt!
(A goose arrives in the garden)
Hamster: (as the goose) I'm a goose; I want your dirt!
Gretel: (as Carolina) ¡Ay carama! Leave the dirt alone!
(Another goose arrives)
Hamster: (as the goose) Dirt is free, woman! Free!
(Cut back to the convention center as geese flock into the city and begin chasing after and attacking people. The geese trap people in the convention center as they scream in horror. Cut to Charlie landing back onstage.)
Charlie: My mighty honk has activated the natural aggression of every goose in the Tri-State Area!
Fred: Wait, you control geese?
Charlie: No, I just rile them up. What they do is their business.
(Song: Father Goose Jingles)
♪ Father goose! ♪
♪ Also can make geese mad ♪
♪ Sorry we didn't mention that earlier! ♪
Charlie: I used to be embarrassed of my wings, but now, I am positive of their positiveness! My geese and I are gonna take over the world!
(The geese manage to break through the windows and attack every one inside the convention center)
Charlie: Yes, yes! It's beautiful!
(Cut back to the Grant-Gomez children watching their parents duke it out with the geese)
Hamster: (as the geese) The dirt is mine, the dirt is mine!
(Kevin's cell phone rings; he answers it)
Kevin: Hey, what's up, Fred? I'm in the middle of something. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Butt wings? Uh-huh. Cool. All right, be right there. (hangs up) We have a situation! Let's go! (runs offscreen with Hamster) Gretel, let's go!
Gretel: (as Carolina) Ay, mi amor, I will fight off these geese! (Kevin comes back in and grabs Gretel) Back geese, back!
(Cut back to the convention center)
Charlie: Isn't this great? Nobody's laughing now, huh? (grabs Stacy)
Fred: Mom!
Charlie: Come, Stacy. Look at what we did together!
Stacy: Actually, this is all you. I had nothing to do with this.
Fred: Hey, butt wings! (takes her jacket off) Put my mom down or I'll―
Stacy: Fred, threats won't help in any situation, which is why we need your talents―your brutal honesty and black cloud nihilism.
Fred: Aw, she does get me. (sets up two chairs and sits in one of them) Hey, Charlie. Let's chat.
(Charlie flies back down to the stage)
(Cut to the minivan speeding down the street with geese covering the windshield)
Kevin: There's too many geese! We've got to clear a path or we'll never get to Fred in time.
Gretel: Okay, but how are we gonna get rid of them?
Kevin: I'm sure I can think of something, but I just can't concentrate with all of this noise. (to the geese) HEY, STOP! (the goose honks at him) Hey, don't you honk at me! I can honk at you! (honks the horn, scaring some of the geese away) Honk, honk! Yeah, how do you like it? Yeah, doesn't feel nice, does it?
(A floating Dave head appears)
Floating Dave Head: This is why Dad always told us to carry an airhorn.
(A floating Stacy head appears)
Floating Stacy Head: You never know when an airhorn can come in handy.
Floating Dave Head: Hey, sis. Let's go get some imaginary ice cream! (the two floating heads fly away) Whee!
Kevin: Gretel, Hamster, we need an airhorn, or a really loud horn!
Gretel: On it! (Gretel attempts to exit the minivan, but the geese block he way out) Uh, we'll take the sunroof.
(The sunroof opens, allowing Hamster and Gretel to make their escape)
(Cut back to the convention center)
Fred: Chuck, I don't think you thought this through.
Charlie: Maybe, but all I need is positivity to live this dream.
Fred: Let's be honest. Not every dream needs to be realized. I once dreamed I had snakes for fingers. Should I have pursued that?
Charlie: Uh... no?
Fred: No. Look at yourself; you've got wings coming out of your butt and a bunch of upset geese who don't even respect you. And they're geese―geese, man! This dream is dumb.
Male announcer: "This dream is dumb" is also a registered trademark, but again, only in this fictional universe.
Charlie: (pouting) You sound just like my dad.
Fred: Actually, I'm more like my mom. Hit it!
(Song: Don't Do It)
Fred: ♪ If you've got an idea that's bad... ♪
(record needle scratch)
Don't do it.
Charlie: You're right. I've made a huge mistake. I'm in way over my head! I'll get them out of here. Shoo, geese, shoo! Oh, no. I can rile them up, b-b-but I can't rile them down. I don't know what to do.
(A ship's foghorn blares. Cut to outside as the geese fly away thanks to Hamster and Gretel having brought in a ship from the harbor. Gretel blares the foghorn again for good measure.)
Kevin: Yeah, that's what I'm talking about!
Hamster: Thanks. It's much heavier than I thought.
(Cut to a wide shot revealing that their boat is attached to a much larger ship that blares its horn at them)
Hamster: Ah, that explains it.
(Kevin, Hamster, and Gretel rush into the seminar)
Kevin: We're here!
Charlie: (crying) I can't believe I put wings on my butt for no reason!
Fred: It's not for no reason, Charlie. You learned something today: you learned... (into microphone) not to put wings on your butt! (to Charlie) ...and that's important. (gives Charlie a handkerchief) But I think you've made positive progress today, Charlie. Not everyone is gonna get you. (glances at Stacy, who winks at her) But as long as you get you and you don't declare war on humanity with a grumpy goose army, I'm sure you'll figure it out... or you won't. Whatever. (to Stacy) Can we get dinner?
Stacy: Yeah, I could eat.
(Fred and Stacy leave the stage as Charlie continues crying)
Kevin: Well, our work here is done.
(The heroes and Kevin begin to make their way home)
(Cut to outside the convention center)
Stacy: You really have a talent for making grown men cry. Hold on to that.
Fred: I guess you get me after all.
Stacy: Why would you doubt that?
Fred: Um...this shirt?
Stacy: (laughs) Fred, I know you'd never, in a million years, buy a shirt like that. I bought it for you ironically. Plus, when you put it under black light...
(Stacy shines black light on the shirt, revealing that the rabbit becomes a skeleton)
Fred: Brutal. I love it.
Stacy: Do you mean that sarcastically or do you actually love it?
Fred: I'll never tell.
(they hug)
(Cut to a still crying Charlie being hit in the face with a flyer)
Charlie: "Laser wing removal?" (stands up) Why couldn't I have seen this first?
(Song: Don't Do It)
♪ If you got a dream that's bad ♪
♪ Don't do it! ♪
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